saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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