i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
