You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
