I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize