he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
