Define "chronic" masturbator.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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