My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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