My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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