Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
