Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
