I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize