I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
