Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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