Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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