why im i the only drunk person in the library?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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