Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
