I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
