If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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