she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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