The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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