someone get that fucking seahorse.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
