im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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