Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
