I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
