Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Randomize
