I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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