There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
