Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
