This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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