from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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