Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
