i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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