dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
