so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
