like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
