Three words: puerto rican gang bang
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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