Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize