GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
