just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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