you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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