Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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