He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
