It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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