who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
