I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
