The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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