I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize