dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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