the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
