just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize