You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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