did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
