We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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