if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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