You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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