I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
