Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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