We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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