That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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