oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
