the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
