think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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