You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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