I faked an abortion last night.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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