everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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