When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
