she was so not down for the gang bang
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
