I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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