If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just blew my weed a kiss
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
